gahhh.

things that are really awful (especially looking at them with the my newly chiseled and honed grammar eye...ow): a certain high school gazette.
what in the name of dangling modifiers is "public and animal cruelty"? and "forced camaraderie"? is that really what you meant little one? and who names their car? that's just kind of stupid.
hmmm. i think that high schoolers should be force fed braised commas, broiled semi-colons, parentheses ceviche, and of course a full "how to write shit good" turkey. enough rant. sorry.

mason vs. dixon.

why does the gravy meant to accompany biscuits look so speckly and unappetizing? this is my lame "look at me, i'm home" post. tip any cows while i was gone? probably not. that's cool. i was in porkopolis, pork capital of the something. woop.

the unfortunates.

some nibs of truth (i like nibs better than nuggets, so please suck it.):
1. if you can put your hair up with a rubber band and not think twice, perhaps it is a little too teased, just maybe
2. your eyes should be the size of dinner plates, not your earlobes
3. seriously ponder your sanity before getting a tattoo of a ying yang made of dolphins

i'm not terribly prolific, so you might have to make do with those three. i know you're sad. go eat a pickled tomato, you'll feel better. i promise. no? fine, deal with it yourself.

designerd.

does my blog make me this dude?

hrm.

things that can be rather uncomfortable:
- your 92 year old ex neighbor thinking that your boyfriend's brother is in fact your boyfriend
- your rabbi of 12 or so years still thinking you go to mt. holyoke
- receiving food platters that are filled with ham
- my shoes (but they're hot)
- my parents having just finished a bottle of rum from their honeymoon (26 years?)
- fresca and whisky
- getting to work only to discover that a lot of people were laid off on friday
- bison meat dinners
- children's stories called "how wall street stole christmas"

oh franklin #2.

dear ben,
i really do hope we meet again on the train so that we can address this.
-me

future.

i've decided to adopt mr. barnes' theory of decoration for my dorm room next year and cover as much space as possible. the walls (hopefully) will be covered in art etc. between a certain redhead and i, this shouldn't be to difficult a task. but i have been slowly amassing a collection of stuff for the walls, ranging from odd pieces of cloth to postcards. i hope i succeed in my endeavor.

haha.

amorphophallus titanum = misshapen penis
it refers to a rather unfortunate type of flower.

philadelphia seizures.

you know those annoying warped words that you have to type sometimes to access websites? well they especially dislike me and as a general rule distort and manipulate them like taffy so my eyes have to do back flips to make any sense of them. but they are always sort of funny combinations of words. today's was : philadelphia seizures. ha.
also, today i saw a store called "as seen on tv". it is a store completely devoted to the shit you can "only buy on tv". magic bullet here i come!

tribute.

things that were invented while my grandfather was alive:
1912
1913- crossword puzzle, ecstasy, the bra, paperclips
1916- stainless steel
1918- fortune cookies
1919- pop-up toaster, short-wave radio
1920- band-aid
1922- insulin, 3-d movie
1923- television, frozen-food, traffic signal
1924- loudspeaker, spiral-bound notebooks
1927- pez, iron lung, aerosol can
1928- penicillin, bubble gum
1930- scotch tape, jet engine
1932- parking meter (boo)
1934- monopoly board game
1935- nylon, canned beer
1937- photocopier
1938- ball point pen, freeze-dried coffee, lsd
1939- helicopter
1940- jeep, color tv
1943- the slinky, silly putty
1944- kidney dialysis machine
1946- microwave
1947- tupperware
1948- velcro, jukebox
1949-cakemix
1950- credit card
1951- super glue
1952- mr. potato head, bar code
1954- the pill, mcdonalds
1956- white out
1958- laser, hula hoop
1959- pacemaker, barbie
1961- valium, nondairy creamer
1967- handheld calculator
1969- atm
1971- vcr, food processor
1972- word processor, pong, hacky sack
1973- disposable lighter
1974- post-it
1979- roller blades, cell phones
1981- pc
1983- cabbage patch kids
1984- cd-rom, apple
1986- disposable camera
1988- doppler radar, prozac
1990- world wide web
1991- digital answering machine
1995- dvd
1998- viagra
2001- artificial heart, i-pod, self-cleaning windows
2002- breath mint strips, dog translator
2003- hybrid car, robotic cat, camera phone
2004- computerized shoes
2006- youtube, the hug shirt
2007- iphone
2008- camera pill, hulu, the retail dna test
2009

lame game.

dear lady gaga,
what is a disco stick? is it what i think it is? is that why you want to take a ride on it?
-me

dear 50 cent and lil' kim,
i think lady gaga stole your idea regarding the magic stick. you might want to sue.
-me

owl versus dove.

the metric concert at the trocadero was without a doubt the best birthday present ever. it was fantabulous. no other words describe it. they are sans doot the best and most attractive band ever. from now on, only attractive canadian-americans should be permitted to make music.
emily haines (the singer) looked like she was constantly being hooked up to a live wire, twitching and shit. it was amazing.
the crowd was... interesting. very enthusiastic, which was good. we counted 12.5 guys wearing flannel (the .5 was a flannel baseball hat. really dude?). there was also a girl on the balcony who jumped the entire concert and i think in doing so may have severed all of the ligaments in her boobs. they were undulating. painfully so. erch. also, these annoying girls next to me were taking up war to much space with their half-bangs and cat make-up. but otherwise, it was wondrous. wonderful concert going partner, wonderful post concert goings ons. yay. so much yay. please listen to them, you will finally understand what it feels like for your pancreas to swell.

eyelids.

some commercials really confuse me. especially ones featuring brooke shields (like 5 at this point?). why would anyone really be so self-conscious about their eyelashes that they were willing to risk permanent eyelid darkening, iris pigmentation, hair growing in other parts, without anyone probably really noticing their eyelash extension?

i think i would take these commercials any day.
or the real housewives of new jersey.
oh god. what has become of me. so many muppets!

also, hangry = da troof
also (take 2!), this lady has like 30 boobs and 3 butts, just so you know

thundery.

so today is still rainy. this weather is getting old. well, got old. also, i think accuweather is running out of ways to say "its gonna rain a fuck lot, you're gonna feel shitty and cold despite it being june, suck it up and watch a movie. stop whining about the big booms and light flashes. don't be afeared of anything growing from the moist". i guess thundery works.

an or a.

all of the interns at work (all three of us!) share one email address through the company's microsoft outlook. it's just something akin to "editintern". this email presumably has been used by interns of days bygone as well. in the past it seems that there were some naughty naughty interns who spent time on facebook and the ever dreaded myspace, writing sordid poems no doubt, and of course using the communal email as their contact information. well yesterday, we got this email from myspace:

$ *I'll be hater walking* $ would like to be added to your MySpace friends list.

-----------------

Note from $ *I'll be hater walking* $: i'm would love to add cause your an book publisher


need anymore be said?

yaourt.

lemme jus say, bad soybeans make my tummy hurt.

luckily, i have found a cure. i feel rather like i'm buying into the pinkberry phase, however i am not. so, that's the end of that. anyway, tart frozen yogurt with blackberries and strawberries mixed in (by me, not some singing person) is quite tasty... and soothing to soybean afflicted stomachs. when you mix in the fruit, it gets kind of cold and freezy (i apologize for my incompetence). yum. also, no one cared that i sat and read lolita for and hour and a half even though it took me all of three minutes to eat the yogurt.

slush.

so, today one of the other interns got stuck with the slush at work (the random letters or manuscripts that no one asked for). she decided to share one with me; it was a handwritten letter from a fan professing his love for a memoir by a famous gay black porn star man. it was graphic, to say the least. they asked us to send him some nudey pics. yeah. who wants to work here?

badminton.

there are very few sports at which i am even halfway decent. badminton is one of them... or, you know, the one. it is pretty much the most useless sport in terms of life skills, but it is fun and requires minimal running (yay). i'm good at it because we have a had a neon pink badminton net (née volleyball net) living in our yard for 6 months out of every year. my dad loves to play badminton, especially because he always wins. however, for some reason tonight, i was winning! maybe it was the bare feet, the smell of strip steak crisping, a fluke after not playing for a while, but lemme just say, at one point, the score was 8-3 me. this is amazing (and definitely a fluke) because i am bad at sports, afraid of things flying towards me, wearing a mini skirt, go to vassar, and my dad plays tennis several times a week. but then, alas, the world caught up with itself, and he pulled up, leaving it 10-8 me. i won again in a fluke (the birdie/shuttlecock hit a tree). but i won. which isn't a sentence i get to apply very often in the outdoor arena. i'm enjoying it. i probably will have to continue to enjoy it for several years to come. it's like a solar eclipse. or a blue moon. or me enjoying brisket. very rare occurrences.

rain rain rain.

today, i went to a very big outdoor flea market with my mom. we came bearing our moneys and bags for carrying. i quite like flea markets as you can find things that are quite wondrous, despite someone not wanting them anymore. it is also a wonderful excuse to buy absolutely useless things just because they are $2. so, together we spent maybe $30 dollars, tops. this is what we got: a tarnished (we polished it suckers) bronze bracelet, a cool framed cutout of fabric clocks, a modigliani-esque painting, a beautiful old (and quite big) dove-tailed wooden box, the nightmare before christmas on dvd, a brass bell engraved with arabesques, a two piece copper pot set from 1908, a copper tray, a teapot, a pair of clogs, and two wrought iron hanging lanterns (for the porch). quite a haul right? i feel very accomplished and rather thrifty.

other things that happened today: eated french toast, eated nutella, eated blt (turkey bacon, suck it), my dog ran away (for 3 minutes) because he was afeared of the constant onslaught of thunderous tempests, besty-hawty came over, eated chicken, watched svu. sweet deal.

cranium.

things i'm good at: drawing the miracle of birth with my eyes closed, coughing, guessing word meanings

things i'm not good at: being awake, playing charades, spelling

argh.

i hate my inability to get over certain things. most things float away like rusty tugboats, but there are always a few things that become barnacles on the corners of my mind. i think there are about 3 right now. i forget about them, until something reminds me again. most recently? a certain list. gah.

in other news, i saw no doubt last night. they were awesome, in the truest sense of the word. worthy of awe. i need to get in shape so i can jump around while i play a neon guitar. 'i've had it up tooo.... heeeeere'

pareve.

there is an absolutely amazing orthodox jewish bakery right near my house. i think it was created really to provide pareve (neither meat nor dairy, so can be eaten with either according to kosher rules) baked goods for the local hasidic community. but alas, it has been invaded by us, the less observant. however, that doesn't mean we don't appreciate delicious muffins. the chocolate chip muffins: the top is mottled with coffee cake crumbs and small chocolate chips, upon excavation to the inner muffiny depths, a soft and tender underbelly is discovered, and generally consumed with reckless abandon. the bagels: i think were named the best bagels in the philadelphia area last year, they are without a doubt the most misshapen bagels available, yet with each extra curve or sideways hole, the bagels further embrace their uniqueness, chewy and scrumptious. they are a wondrous jaw workout. try with some kippered salmon. the peach cake: the most godly stuff on this here earth, it has manifested itself in a small round mountain range of peaches, carmel drizzle, cinnamon yum. it is best microwaved. mmmmmmmmmmm.

boobs.

there is a lingerie company called vassarette. i love it.

oh franklin.

twice now i have seen people dressed in ye olde costumes on the train. garb of yesteryear. rags harking back to the 18th century. both times, i have been startled (obviously) and convinced i would need to see a doctor for hallucinations. then i remember the constitution center and that i live in a 'historical' city. 50% of the time, the only seat left on the train car is next to ol' ben franklin himself.
let me tell you about ben. a rather rotund man, he wears a tri-cornered hat and perfectly round glasses; as if two monocles had been fused together. he reads his own books. this is ben. oh ben. why do you add to the ever confusing life i lead on the train? why must you read your own book? isn't that rather... self-indulgent?
in the row in front of ben and me, there was a man (be-kippahed) calmly flipping through a small talmud. to our right, another man with a pocket sized bible, thumbing the pages. three seats ahead, sits a man, his nose deep in his qu'ran.
what a place i live in. oh ben.

i vant to suck your...

have you ever read a significant amount of a book only to realize that your eyes have been skimming a very raunchy vampire sex-romp with dialogue detailing why fangs don't cut up certain, um... naughty bits? i have. stupid copy-editing.

blargh.

things i like: well dressed elderly gentleman, yeah yeah yeahs, and my lawn

things i don't like: blisters, awkward stares, tripping and scraping your toe several times in a row, chronic pessimism, dankness, the idea of bed bugs, soar throats

recently discovered reason i don't like capital letters: i really suck at writing them, they look stupid and circa 3rd grade. why haven't i figured out that writing things is different than typing them? i dunno. maybe my shift-ing pinky is still sprained.

fish.

i think i've begun to think in posts. this does not speak well of my brain.
today on the squished squished squished train, the colors outside the window were these: green, different green, pretty green, lovely green, gre/ay, brown, blue, soft blue, white, and lovely hue #3. the colors inside the train were these: brown and brown tinged by what appeared to be the after effect of inserting a florescent light bulb into a bulbous salmon. my eyes hurt.

also, i had a sad sad sad anti-marilyn monroe moment at the station today. lots of people waiting for the various Rs (including this really unfortunate guy in awful swishy khakis with a tucked in golf-shirt, sports sunglasses, and a very stressed belt forming a clear line of demarcation between his top gut and his bottom gut) witnessed my dress awkwardly fly up. but instead of batting my eyelashes and putting my hands daintily in front of me to feign modesty, i sort of yelped and swatted at myself. smooth me, real smooth.

curry.

today's smell: curry.
its all up in my hair, my clothes, my fingernails, my eyelids, my watch dial. when i shower, the runoff will be a curried broth.
people i see at work that i vaguely know are without a doubt the epitome of all that is awkward.
1. "you're that girl that used to date that guy right?" "um, yes?"

2. "tell exactly what you like about college" "uh, well i really---" "how much do i owe you? i really have to leave" "oh sorry, $28.97?"

my favorite all-time encounters at the indian stand are still:
1. "is this italian food?"
2. "cheesecake please" "anything else?" (looks me up and down) "nothing legal..."
also, for the first time, email spam has done right by me; something from urban outfitters gave me 23 free songs from itunes. albeit super alt songs, but i'm happy.

snore.

my sleep patterns are rather odd. i used to need a big light on and both doors open to go to sleep, went to bed by 10:30, up by 8. now, post first year of college, i need both doors closed, no light, and either terri gross' or marty moss-coane's voice on quiet, i subsequently go to sleep a little later (11:30?) and wake up later. this morning, a very furry cat named after a very furry rodent, invaded my stupor solely to nibble on my headphones. electricity, yum. needy animals are very sweet, until they knock the coffee from your hand.

also, things i like: sims 3, chocolate milk and potatoes, apples to apples, lemons, and beignets

the sky is spitting.

my feet are wet, hopefully not growing things. my sweatshirt is green from all the rain, droughts make for brown sweatshirts. that is all for now.

meat.

sometimes i take good pictures with my snapshot machine.
i like this one.
let's make a found poem "rie cherie a gibert"

want.

i really want to take my cheap green piggy bank to the bank to get money from that annoying little animatronic girl who counts your change and spits out your paper clips and euros. one night i really wanted something from the rather sub-par vending machine at school (mmm, plastic) and i broke into my piggy bank (pried open the annoying little coin hole with some scissors) and extracted enough change. now my piggy bank is sad and deformed looking, aside from the demonic snout and off center eyes (i need to stop buying stuff from the dollar store). if i do get 7.98 from his lugubrious snout, i will buy the ingredients to make granita. the perfect summer delight. i'll eat it with a mother of pearl spoon and sip champagne with chambord while i do a crossword puzzle. and i will buy new blister-less feet. take that feet.

squee.

the idea that people are reading my blog makes me smile major despite my painful foot blisters, car sickness, and having spent the day further reading about how jesus can save me.

in other news,
things i like:
-my wonderful friends (!)
-when old ladies push tiny prosh dogs around in strollers downtown
-not having work tomorrow
-children's books meant to teach kindergartners (according to author...)about the ill effects of drugs, complete with illustrations of crack pipes et al.

things i don't like:
-capital letters apparently
-not being able to walk down walnut st. because a chunk of a building fell off into the street
-not having teleportation powers

despite his crazy.

although he appears to be crack addicted, ghostly pale, and awfully sad looking in his all around appearance, i really do like pete doherty's songs ("can't stand me now" or "don't look back into the sun"). they are so good. just really good. listen. it'll do your old british soul some good, i promise. if he isn't alt enough, try ra ra riot or passion pit (discovered by a vassar sophomore no less), that should tame your neon cravings. also, for the truly non judgemental, phantom planet's newest album is just amazing, it makes me earlobes tingle and my pancreas swell (wonderful sensations, don't worry). try their songs "raise the dead", "leader", or "do the panic". i promise, they are not the same band of the oc fame.


p.s. i think i strained my left pinky on the faulty shift button at work

l'chaim.

i hope i get a job working at the hebrew school. though, i really can imagine very clearly being surrounded by a large group of five year-olds in kippahs kicking me with their light-up sneakers. they might yell the shma while they do it... if so, at least no one can say i'm a bad teacher. what else am i supposed to do with 12 years of hebrew school education 30 seconds away from this now dilapidated and decrepit old mansion? really? any suggestions?

oddities.

so, today marked day 2 of internship of the unpaid variety.
its cool, i'm not bitter that it used to be a paid internship but isn't anymore. really.

anyway, more awkward train avoidences (yay!) and more strange (alt?) manuscripts to read. today i read a book about bettering yourself through jesus, it was repetitive to say the least. also, i am not really a fan of scary men honking and waving at me, especially when they have confederate flag bandanas on.

also, it is vair vair odd to see people who are still in high school being all high schooly. and yes, i am rather hungry, so you can suck it. i wish i got to read colorful books and not ones called "The Giant Book of Erotica, Part 9".

i wish.

i wish so much that i had gold teeth so that i wouldn't feel so absurd by going to this website...
http://sellyourgoldteeth.com/

yup. that's for real.

musings.

dear kenneth branagh,
i'm rather fond of you despite you being all old and stuff now.

also, yay for my first day of interning! things i did:
1. read some really odd unsolicited manuscript proposals (including: the guide to being a young christian and the dogs of central park)
2. read a letter asking solely how much a book costs (have you heard of amazon.com? i have...)
3. proof-read the first 30 pages of a gay male romance novel set in 1908 in England

also (PART DEUX!), ignoring two people at a time on the train is rather difficult (yes i ignored them, despite attending high-school and day camp with them), my grandmother's high-heels from 1962 are difficult to walk in sometimes

also also, i am sad for a certain departure occuring tomorrow to the far distances of new york state. am i really less fun than old people and mountains? apparently.