liberal arts.

sample conversation between two dirties smoking their hand-rolled cigs:
lass: what are you going to write your essay on?
fellow: well, i really am interested in the fraternity of the skinheads and their real dedication to their beliefs... like their convictions.
lass: *long drag from cigarette* sweet.

i go here. were you aware?

also, someone stole a stuffed kiwi bird from the biology building. apparently they cover the wee stuffed birds in arsenic dust. have fun with that thieving one.

i think.

it's important to be aware of several things.
a) calculus test tomorrow, why in the world did i think math was a good idea, my brain is exploding with greek letters, little epsilons and deltas intermingled in my ear wax
b) after discovering that there was a majorly lame cd playing in the car that i borrowed from a friend (so as to reach the rite aid in the rain), i decided to root through his cd collection and appropriately put in a far better music choice: the bad boyz ii soundtrack, circa 2002.
c) i know this cd very well as much dancing was done to it back in the day
d) britney spears is conducive to calculus
e) the showers in my dorm are stuck on cold

feed me.

i'm so hungry. why do i subscribe to so many frickin' food blogs!? gah.

hangry-time.

beware. i will be hungry soon enough. very hungry. angry blogging may be the result.

logic hip.

anon. passerby: "you need to drink to get drunk... like me."

gah.

there's a guy in one of my classes who always brings his black apple laptop on which to take notes. a normal black macbook; every three people at my school have one because they decided it was prudent to pay an extra $200 for a black matte finish. this laptop however has a hostilely placed chunk of black duct tape over the apple symbol which is in turn covered by a stark bumper sticker which reads "visualize industrial collapse". how does this make sense? every single person here and their grandmother has a macbook. this particular fellow wouldn't be one of us sheep if he had instead decided to truly "visualize industrial collapse" and built himself a computer from drift wood, old tin cans, human teeth (the keys of course), and an old transistor radio. but instead he thought black duct tape would do the job. thanks guy. that bumper sticker and your faux hawk really set you apart in a sea of yourselves.

occasionally.

sometimes my head hurts and i do my work alone. sometimes my head hurts. here's a picture upon which to rest your weary sir gawain.

oh hum hum ho.

oh dear you,
i'm rather fond of you. however, someone next door or up above or below or behind or in front or somewhere in relation to me is playing the beatles very loudly and it is rather nice. so with all due respect, you can suck it.
-me

on another note, i just spent 1 billable hour transcribing a 1903 letter about godly tetrahedrons from illegible to slightly more legible. woop.

caffeinated.

i think i have a coffee induced lower lip twitch.


also, more proof of the creepy nasty evil of pork: this.


paper to do. more later. stay hype.

perils of travel.

today i began a northward journey from home back to this school at which i occasionally reside and more occasionally mock. in going what is practically the cheapest way of getting from philly to school, i left home at 7:52 am and arrived here at 2:01 pm one car ride, two trains, and two taxis later. in transit, i bore witness to some oddities:

1. in the trenton transit center i overheard this little gem of a conversation between a customer and the cashier at the little dunkin donuts cart
-customer: and then he was all gettin' in front of me in line and shit, like cus i wasn't on that dude's toes in front of me, so i looked at him an told him i was in line and he said there was no line... so i just hit him with my cane.
- cashier: damn.

2. in grand central station i saw:
- a hobo resurrect an entire mishmash lunch from leftovers rescued from the trash
- a very shifty eyed nun
- a gaggle of women, one of whom was holding a naked inflatable man doll thing complete with light up penis pom poms

how did i deal with my utter trip-confusion? i ate the black & white off a black & white cookie.

the pinching theorem.

sometimes while listening to the tinny clink of the flickering light in the palatial bathroom in which i am frequently alone and only occasionally kept company by the surly looks of neighbors, i wish for things. they are generally frivolous (i wish i had more chocolate, i wish i could eat infinite amounts of chocolate, i wish i could evolve to have a sort of secret chocolate pocket in the crook of my elbow or the the tender spot under my knee, maybe behind my ear for safe keeping, i wish my hands weren't too hot for chocolate, i wish i could wield a tuning fork like a wand and make things levitate on strings, i wish i spoke italian without having to learn it, i wish i had less snot residing in my nasal passages, i wish my nails weren't so delicious) but occasionally more substantive (i wish my butt wasn't so tiny that i appear to sit either on my legs or my back like unfortunate neckless people who have unfortunate shoulder-head enmeshment). but then i think, here i am in this terra cotta bathroom flossing my teeth, checking for ass enlargement, inspecting my fingernails for any missed tasty morsels. i have a tinny light bulb. i finished my calculus homework.

porkus nastius.

reasons i don't eat pork:
1) it's not of the kosherest of meats for the gentle pig chews not its cud and cloven hoofs has it not
2) my mom tells me ham is pink and rubbery and that she doesn't miss it
3) imaginary pigs (like my piggy bank, my pom pom pig, my drawings of pigs) are far too cute to eat
4) real pigs are very... muddy
5) eww
6) ewwie
7) turkey bacon is tasty

fellow.

my older aged italian professor wore a neon pink and lavender plaid shirt today.

this made me very happy.
perhaps he is truly a hipster at heart.

revelations.

today i found what appears to be a very old band-aid at the bottom of my circa 2001 backpack. the strangetude? it doesn't say it's a band-aid, but rather a 'plastic adhesive dressing'.

also, fluffernutters are quite nice. they are not only tasty and fun to make but also double as a pillow for tired hands and fingers. i should sell them.

all for now. sometimes i am too unintelligible for my own good. at least i'm not addicted to nyquil and orajel. headache.

sometimes.

derivatives.

i think the term 'sick-nasty' is being used incorrectly on a regular basis. somewhere in the cracking voices of pre- and post-pubescent skateboarders the derivation was lost and the meaning altered. it has been sadly perverted and means at this point something akin to 'rad'.
however, the word is actually derived from my condition when i have a cold. sick-nasty. fullofsnot. very far from rad. very very far.

also, i think i am cracking up. today in the dorm shower-cubicle, under exceedingly hot water i pondered the spiderman band aid on my foot as well as the fact that i think i am hearing non-existent bongos playing whenever my roommate isn't in the room. crazy.

also, someone ate my pizza. which isn't cool. i taped the box shut with packing tape. boo. luckily they didn't eat my soup. boo pizza thief. you can suck it.

fullofsnot.

news.

this is very important.

hipster a... is a studio art and urban studies major. hipster a does NOT equal bike guy. my hypotheses are awesome. it is indeed the hipster-est major.

today's awkward is...

today i went to what is probably the most hipster concentrated place on campus. the bike shop. i wandered aimlessly around the quadrangle (oh you abbreviators you!) on my 6 year old purple and silver bike that isn't a street racing bike that i built myself from old bike parts that i bought off of the homeless somewhere in the deep recesses of manhattan, so my coolness factor is basically negative 3 at this point.
i finally found the shop; a whole in one of the dorms, spray painted and axle-greased. the fellow who greeted me was a senior and began to fill my bike tires. i felt no real need for conversation, as the average bike pumpery takes all of 4 minutes. he however, an embracer of the awk, felt the need to talk.

him: so... how's it goin'?
me: uh... haha, pretty good. um, you?
him: what year are you? (was my awkwardity really that evident?)
me: sophomore. uh, you?
him: senior. yup.
me: oh, sweet.
*****lull in conversation*****
me: so, what major?
him: urban studies and studio art... all done, here you go!

so, conclusions?

1. i'm a very awkward person.
2. hipsters like awkward, as it were.
3. this is an unfortunate combination as i go to school here.
4. urban studies and studio art is the hipster-est major that could ever possibly exist
5. my bike is now fully ride-able!

fudgsicle.

i rather dislike the first day of a class. every single class, every single professor, begins very unoriginally with the same question:

"so, what exactly is ______?"
fill in what you will; religion, politics, poetry, language, calculus, butts, guano.
it's always the same. the sad and miserable class then proceeds to grope silently within cobwebbed brains for some all-encompassing rather vague term that will most likely earn a "not quite." from the professor. the professor always knows the answer, they want a particular word... like beauty or life or energy or something like that. of course the class never gets it, guessing synergy and patriarchy and anarchy. then the misery ends as we are chided with the correct response and it is subsequently written on the blackboard in scrawling large script. it's repeated, written in every notebook, and then forgotten. why was it necessary for me to be told that poetry is words? i was aware already, as it were.

the only class that inevitably avoids this sad sad sad first day, is language. italian specifically. no, in this class we delve quickly into the names of gelato flavors. thank god. we are told inappropriate italian stories with inappropriate italian words. the word phallic is used by one student to describe the difference between a fudgsicle and an ice cream bar. poetry can suck on its words and politics can bite its governance and religion can swim in its god. in italian we talk about penises and gelato.

fail.

last night, for some unknown reason, i bought a bag of cracker jacks from the sketchy vending machine. at the time "suprise inside!" was really exciting. i dutifully set aside the prize and ate my crackers and jacks, i even waited until the next morning to open the prize. delayed gratification! anyway, the "prize" was a drawing of a famous person at a young age and the fun exciting game was to guess who the person was. the answer was reveled by folding the picture along some badly perforated lines. so check out the youngin' and the oldie...

i was pretty convinced it was a very sad and misshapen ben franklin.

it's susan b. anthony.

really lame. super lame.

take me out to the ball game, take me out to the crowd, buy me some peanuts and LYING SHIT JACKS.

sample.

conversation between two hipsters.
"hipster a" is wearing ripped skinny jeans, brown ratty keds, an open plaid shirt over his hairy chest, and very old-hip sunglasses. he is carrying an extremely small skateboard.
"hipster b" is much subtler in his hipsteratude, opting for straight jeans, keds, and a plain un-ironic t-shirt.

hipster a: skateboards are so nice.
hipster b: yeah, they're sweet. yours is a true hipster skateboard.
hipster a: really? i mean, i guess in new york it is. but i mean, in (hip town in california) it's just a skateboard. new york always labels shit.

hipster b: oh... yeah. right, i mean. yeah. sweet. i gotta get one.

plump.

once, back when roaming the local mall was a feasible pastime and homework was confined to reading questions and graphing parabolas, a dear friend and I strayed from the usual clothing spots to the highly exotic makeup section.

our goal? to test which lip plumper was the most effective at the aforementioned "plumping" of lips.

our methods? painting lines of various plumping samples across the tops of our hands, so as to measure plumpocity

results? pain.

is it?

is it bad if when your calculus professor talks, all you hear is "wah wah wah x wah wah wah function wah wah" in the style of charlie brown's teacher?

things learned.

today, on my second day of classes, i learned:

1. riding a bike all around campus after a several month long hiatus of bicycle consumption makes for... uncomfortableness
2. knowitall freshmen are hellannoying ("well, as you all know, the treaty of westphalia...")
3. smooshing words together is fun
4. the presence of a nalgene greatly augments the number of trips to the bathroom at 3 am
5. it is probably a bad sign if every time your professor of international politics says "age of empires", you smile and think of the awesome computer game with cheats that would conjure up flying purple hippos of doom and whatnot
6. i can eat a yogurt in 7 seconds flat