pick one.

things i don't like:
-people who drive in the middle of a two lane highway and swerve every time you try to pass them
-when those people drive yellow bugs
-people who drive through stop signs

four wheeler.

might anyone be willing to give me a few lessons in grocery cart etiquette? i seem to need it.

tan.

i'm never even a little bit tan until the end of august. unfortunately.
so! i've discovered that, unlike when i was 7, i am now allowed onto our roof!
this means nude sunbathing.
i'm sort of a weenie though, so it'll probably start with me fully clothed and maybe eventually become rated pg-13. we'll see.
i'll let you know.

clink.

things i like:
-houses with metal trashcans
-showers
-porch awnings

newspapers.

is it just me, or is it a little... unorthodox to receive three packets of miracle whip attached to your newspaper on sunday morning?
i know it's not like there is some rogue condiment man running around hot gluing poor mayonnaise substitutes to the arts section. this is obviously a advertising endeavor by the whip-meisters.
but honestly, i have a lot of trouble getting myself to eat something attached to my newspaper that has been sitting outside since 3 am...

also, the problem with not having my own paper subscription while i'm at home is that i can't ravage the pages for pictures. usually, i run like a rabbit through the pages to find pictures and nibble them out to stick on my white white walls. i almost cut one out today only to realize that my parents most likely enjoy reading the paper without gaping holes in between articles.

honestly, it's not like i really need any more pictures. my poor single next year is going to be plastered to death with all of my wall decorations. i'll probably end up upholstering my mattress with posters and newspaper detritus.
maybe i can offer to decorate the hall's bathroom if i run out of space.

make oop.

the first time i put on real make-up (other than that sparkly goop i used to slush all over my lips) was on the morning of my bat mitzvah. i fancied myself super chic, done up in a sky blue suit with a weenie manicure on my stubbly nails. my mom offered to spruce up my 12 year-old face with a little mascara and pink lip gloss.
since i've actually looked exactly the same since 6th grade (i hit puberty and was done), it makes sense that i still do make-up pretty much the same as my bat mitzvah morning.
short and sweet. a little mascara. that's it. maybe i'll try and stab myself with some eyeliner if i'm feeling adventurous.
recently, on a date with my fellow, i decided to brave eyeshadow (gasp!).
i had to look up how to put it on.
sad. i know.
recently i got an email about the dress code at my crazy adult internship and realized that i'll have to look like a normal not-6th grader at work.
i'ma have to wear more make up. shit.

short.

things i did yesterday:
-painted my short stubby unsightly nails dark purple dark
-scratched my chin
-tackled the dog
-bought dish soap
-watched housewives from all over the country
-nothing
-ate

plan today:
-buy adult clothes for my adult work internship jobby thing
-hang out with my vermontian doppelganger
-probably blow my clothes budget on soft pretzels and honey mustard dipping sauce
-drive and blast not very blasty music out the windows
-watch top chef masters

did you know?

i'm home.
yup.
watching dumb mtv shows on the couch with my dog and computer and eating the tasties out of the fridge.
yum.
i ate linear algebra.
i punched italian.
i zombie bit jane austen.
i elbowed one religion and eye-jabbed the other.

done.

so close.

i can almost taste freedom.
escape from dorm life.
i can wash the college sludge out from between my toes and fingers.
and be squeaky clean to return in the fall.

but first
i have to take my linear algebra final.
i will eat those numbers and digest correct answers.
i will create vector spaces of exactness.
i will win math.

see you on the other side.

customer care.

have you ever eaten at a prêt a manger?
if not, you are not yet complete.
my apologies, but there is a sandwich sized hole in your french fry filled stomach.
until recently, this divinely ordained chain only served its love-salad sandwiches and blood orange juice smoothies to the unappreciative and dentally impaired masses of britain.
recently, they have opened in nyc and chicago.
why? why do they deserve this blessing to their urban streets while philadelphia remains wanting?

so, in my usual attempt to procrastinate productively, i found the "contact us" button on their website and appealed to them to open a store in the fairest of cities. then i felt better and went on to do work, thinking that the end.

but someone wrote back!
a personal email, explaining that while she wasn't in charge of choosing locations, she would be happy to send my suggestion to those who are.
even if she was talking out of her armpit, it still made my ginger-ale infused brain momentarily happy in this sea of academic unpleasantries.

thanks lady.

blargh.

this is me still not writing my paper.

periodicals.

today i spent upwards of 5 hours in the periodical section of the library.
tables are few and far between during study week.
i plonked my stuff right next to the communist and socialist periodicals subsection.
they were all bound in red covers... curious.

here are some inventive new periodicals!
canadian dentures (for the canadian dental enthusiast)
hebrew mathematics (math, in hebrew!)
sheep breath (every quarter with new ovine halitosis prevention tactics)


i should write my paper.

the subtleties of being subtle.

i've noticed that the lad hipsters of my domesticity overuse the word "subtly"
some examples:
"this apple is subtly delicious"
"that tree is subtly the funniest thing ever"
"this pbr is subtly hilarious"

what does that mean!?
is the apple only delicious once you've gotten past it's rotten apple exterior?
is the tree funny after you've chopped it down and licked the bark?
how can beer be hilarious? let alone subtly hilarious?


i'm going to start a new word trend:
"this coat is overtly warm"
"your nose is overtly broken"
"this ice cream is overtly tasty"

cookie cutter.

reasons i am officially an annoying college student:
- i can seamlessly integrate the phrases hetero-normative, paradigm shift, truth claim, and post-enlightenment mentality into a sentence
- i am writing a paper on nietzsche
- i am writing a paper on nietzsche because i actually enjoyed reading nietzsche
- i got into a yelling match with my neighbor about the essence of truth
- there is no rhyme or reason to by showering schedule (9 am? 2 am?)
- i walk to get pizza at 1:30 am on a friday night
- i bike everywhere
- i am indisputably addicted to coffee

fore.

there is a group of co-eds outside of my dorm playing croquet.
yes.
croquet.
i find this amazing for several reasons:
-someone had to bring an entire croquet set to college
-someone had to acquire said set
-they are clad in preppy stripes
-those preppy stripes are in the form of loose t-shirts with arm-holes so low that i know the exact make of their bra
-mom jean shorts
-it's fucking croquet
-they're not drinking martinis, but rather pbrs, of course

pucker up.

why do people put on lipstick in the dining hall right before they bite into a greasy cheesy lump of pierogie?

seems a little silly.


why does anyone even bring lipstick to the dining hall in the first place?

cronch.

this is me not writing a paper.

why.

unfortunate turn of events.
my major department decided that today would be the day for a picnic.
i had hebrew school.
i was hungry.
so i sped back from hebrew school as fast as i could only to discover that there was no more food.
then, the second i started talking to the head of the department, something flew in my eye.
i looked like i was crying.
the professor said i could take the rest of the wine home if it would help.
that was awkward.
i ate dinner at the dining hall, wandering around trying to find food like a crazy one-eye crying person.



i just got a smoothie, so everything's a little better.

slow.

i spent all of today 'studying' under a giant tree. it was giant. and shady.

yeah and basically i didn't really get any work done.

but. i did get to watch the outfits bike by on their fixed gear cycles.
there was a plethora of mom jeans that start right below the ass cheeks and end several inches above the belly button paired with bikini tops.
something like this.

yeah, can't wait til that fad fades again. they're pretty atrocious and unflattering even on the skinniest-hand-rolled-cigarette-smoking-eats-organic-kale-and-that's-it hipster girl

suprising.

when you storm up the stairs to tell the freshmen on the second floor that their music is so loud that across the building on the first floor it sounds like john lennon himself is screaming in your ear, you expect snot-nosed little twits to be rude and snide and eventually turn it down after you give them that death stare of yours.

it's rather nice when instead, they apologize, introduce themselves, and proceed to ask you how you are and offer you a drink.

hmm.

perhaps the freshmen have almost mutated into sophomores?
i guess there is always a fresh batch on the way.

addendum.

remember when i provided you with that all-important list of things i can and cannot do while riding a bike?

of course you do.


well, i have some additions.

can ride my bike while:
-carrying a purple basil plant that i named rubin
-taking blurry photographs

cannot ride my bike while:
-reading
-putting my hair in a ponytail


i know you were interested in the updates, so i told you.

also, aside from the purple basil (that i purchased... shh!), i am also growing basil from seeds (omg!). there are 6 whole sprouty things! they're green and not brown and not moldy and green and some day will be edible (hopefully).
also also, i tried growing strawberries. sad fail. they were all of the things that my basil was not.

apparently you can't water plants with seltzer...
also, yelling at plants does not make them grow.

(p.s. the avocado's name is bernard, just fyi.)

ovah.

classes.
they are done.
were you aware?
i wasn't.



i can smell you summer.




i know you're soon.

zombies.

things that are not conducive to my already pretty lackluster motivation to study:
-it's so hot outside and inside and between my toes and why did i let my hair grow this long it feels like i live in a sauna
-the terrible recorder practicing coming from next door (the recorder should not continue as a viable instrument past the age of 12!)
-the honking train in the distance
-the worthless useless don't really do anything fans
-my headache
-the fact that i have to write a paper about zombies
-i want school to be done know, please, please, please
-my fellow has left :(


luckily, i don't have any work due tomorrow, so don't feel to bad for me.

bershday.

it were my berthday.
i ate so much.
and as i am a lover of food and you a knower of that, i will share with you my birthday menu ( i didn't eat all of everything, just fyi):

-starbucks mocha energy drink (surprisingly not terrible)
-duck and foie gras sausage with caramelized onions and apple purée
-soup trio: french onion, squash, and mushroom
-shaved fennel salad with red onions, roasted beets, and orange segments
-leg of lamb with fingerling potatoes
-cherry compote ice cream
-chocolate-caramel-banana mousse
-chocolate cupcake
-chocolate cherry latte
-salad with balsamic vinaigrette
-panko chicken fingers with honey mustard (i turned 4!)
-friendly's oreo ice cream cake

ridiculous.
delicious.
nom.